Monday, 1 September 2014

Ach, Sod It, I Wanna Write A Normal Blog Post

It's even in English!  Why am I doing this?  Dunno.  Anyway...

Leicester Pride did not go well for me.  The day started fine apart from the depressing, time-consuming bath and hair removal just after I got up, which was annoying but something I have to do every day anyway.  It even went well until about 11 am, but then it turned out Sarada wasn't coming to the march but just to the fair.  At the time, I didn't consciously consider it a problem that I was going unaccompanied, so I left the house in a good mood.  However, in the half hour or so it took me to walk down to the starting point of the parade bit, I went from being confident, happy and looking forward to it through a number of other stages.  I thought about having to stand around feeling awkward among people who were either strangers or not strangers.  That was enough to persuade me to walk around the assembly point, giving it a wide berth, so I could join it unobtrusively at the back.  Then it got worse. Just before reaching the starting point, I chickened out and left, deciding to join the march at some point along its route.  Then I decided even that was too much and I skulked around the back streets specifically trying to avoid the march.  After that, I walked around the park to avoid the fair bit and waited outside the gates, where I'd arranged to meet Sarada.  Even that was too much, so I hid round the corner until I saw her and went over.  That was followed by about ten minutes' despondent plodding around the park before I left.

Not good.

What was going on?  It was odd actually because the whole time I was fully aware of what I was doing, although it didn't stop it from happening.  Two things in fact.  One is that I felt like I was a complete wannabe tranny (note the offensive word) who just cannot possibly ever pass.  In itself that would be OK because why should people even try to pass?  There's an argument for people being obvious because, well, why shouldn't I do this even if it doesn't "work"?  It works for me and that's all that should matter.  However, I also felt like I would be letting other people down by doing that because whereas it may be something I'm at peace with, I shouldn't be imposing that on anyone else.  The other is that I still haven't got past the TERF approach.  If I go to Pride, I fully expect to be hated and despised as a metaphorical rapist and if people don't hate me it confuses me and I lose respect for them because it makes me feel they have false consciousness, which is not going to help them.  Of course, nowadays I don't think that way.  That doesn't mean I should be around people I offend or trigger.  They are not necessarily in control of that triggering, or if they are it may take them a lot of effort, time and pain to overcome that, and why should I force them to do that?

It now gets worse in a different way.  Sarada and I then went home and talked about it.  In this situation, in order to be reassured I would need to be convinced that I passed OK, or of course that it didn't matter, which of course it doesn't, not in the end.  Petty of me in a way, but I still need it, sad though that makes me.  However, for her, me passing OK is a bad thing, which because it's bad and she can be glass half empty although she tries hard not to be, she is more likely to see me as doing than I do.  For me, passing OK would be a good thing so I'm more likely for the same reason to underestimate my ability to do so.  So, almost perfectly, my good is her bad and my bad is her good.  Since our lives are so entwined that they are effectively one life, and this particular good is almost certainly key to my, and therefore our, confidence, happiness and success, this illustrates particularly clearly the problem.

It now occurs to me that all this might only be tangentially related to the thread about Merry.  Sorry about that.

Monday, 28 April 2014

Situation Victoriane

Ce is around question de narrative.  Nos nos disem stories around nosters vites que changen regularment, e suddenment story novele is verity e no story previouse.  28mo April is anniversary de Victoria, amate de me de passate.  Co is tamben example de narratives changeants in my vite.

Annies multiples passate, jo encounteray person sy claim Victoria.  Jo no vol doner sy surname a cause jo vol preserver sy privacy. Era case de amour unrequitate.  My narrative a temp era probablement similar ad icest:  Jo ame Vicky, Vicky no me ame, jo stay depressate.  Ma now jo regard ce incident in icest via:  Jo tain attraction potente a Vicky a cause Vicky is person que jo vol ster - note tense present, a cause icest statement, no now very, is projectate in past.  Icest is via jo view events de tres decades pre 2014.

Question is naturalment, is un o alter very?  Deceive jo me advec ce statement now, o deceivay jo me advec prime statement?  O, son ambs nonveries?  Comprehend dom problem?

Sunday, 27 April 2014

Correctitude Politicale No Is Equal A Morality

Is plus que un sort de marriage "homosexuale".  Relativement bon sort is dos persons de sexes e genders identicals joinen sys vites.  Jo dise "relativement" por reasons que jo no vol discusser a ce moment.  Ma nonfortunatement, is un alter sort de marriage homosexuale.  In occasions certaines, people marrien a cause speren que sy homosexuality is mal e volen que disappear.  Tamben creden que va disappearer.  Ce is very improbable, naturalment.  Fortunatement ces marriages appearen a ster plus rares in ces dis.  Ma consider position de person que is "heterosexual" in ca situation (incidentalment, jo va changer ces verbs presentment a cause ces expressen concepts malment).  Co havet state deceivate, frequentment por annies multiples, e sy partner - sorry, I'm going to have to lapse into English and since I've resolved not to do that, I'll stop.

Monday, 21 April 2014

Paradox De Goodman

Nelson Goodman is philosoph.  Co conceiva de concept que captura my spirit annies muches pasate:  "grue".  Tamben is concept "bleen" un de Goodman.  Ces verbs son naturalment English e no Anglese, partment a cause language Anglese no exist.  "Grue" is definite qua "vert pre temp T e azure post temp T" e "bleen" qua "azure pre temp T e vert post temp T".  Certe person observe que esmeraldas son "grue" e que ceil is "bleen".  Herb is tamben "grue" e sapphires "bleen", et cetera.  Ces persons assume que esmeraldas, sapphires, ceil e herbs va ster respectivement grue, bleen, bleen e grue post temp T, ma nos alters credem que ces va changer de grue a bleen o de bleen a grue post temp T.  Ni is possible a user argument que person que cred que grue e bleen son concepts valids is non-scientific, a cause pow tamben creder que perception de colours o frequency de luce is similarment "variable", i.e. que nos nos credem que cos changen e "grue" creditor no.

Goodman no intenda que ce concept era ster ducate seriousment, ma usate ces qua illustrations de nature de concepts.  Nos considerem que concepts "azure" e "vert" son projectible in future e no concepts "grue" e "bleen".  Ma porque?  Nos tainem que distinguisher inter generalisations que son legal e generalisations que no son, ma no savem quels generalisations son quels.  Nos appearem ster forceate a considerer solement moment present e location currente.

Consider now my situation.  Sto marriate, e my spouse e marriate a me.  Co assumea que my gender era rester identical trans noster total vite.  Jo pow argue que ce actualment is case, ma obviousment ca argument is complex e peraventure strange.  Ma consider Labrus mixtus e Amphiprion species.  Ces pisces son similars a muches alters species de animals e plants a cause in certains circumstances changen sex naturalment.  In ambs cases, piscis de un sex pow changer a alter sex, exempli gratia si son severals Amphipriones in anemone, senior is female, ma si senior mor, junior change de male a female.  Labrus is, jo cred, alter via - female.  Ma details no son point - jo pow referer a Wikipedia o alters sources e tamben powes vos - ma que change de gender occur trans vite.  Existen verbs por ces phenomena: protandry e protogyny.  Plus generalment, "sequential hermaphroditism" is term English por icests: hermaphroditism sequential in noster language factitiouse.

Regard situation in ce via:  my spouse marria personage male ma a no point era disate que ce personage va ster male eternalment.  Person que marria era protandrous.  Ce is similar a "grue" e "bleen": co feata assumption de me que era incorrect.  Jo pow tamben arguer que a no point jo era male, ma co ovrer muches alters issues que jo no vol discusser now.

Saturday, 19 April 2014

Progress Super Language

Vos notice change in orthography in icest entry.  Verb por conjunction tain solement un letter - "e".  "T" no is pronounceate, e jo have omitate.

Que son mys motivations por usant ce language, vos pow ben poser.  Alor, jo suppose que son tres reasons actualment, o peraventure plus.

Prime, jo realise que no person li ce blog, e consequentment no important sy people me comprehenden - no que people me comprehenden in alteres circumstances!

Second, inside language que is parlate in ce nation son minimum de dos languages que attempten a emerger.  Un is plus explorate par me que alter - "Proper English", i.e. "English" sans verbs que originaten in Francese.  Sans barricade, have altere language in co:  opposite of "Proper English", que jo claim "Anglese".  Co consist de verbs e grammar trovates in English, e jo vol imaginer que co is approximatement manner in que Anglonorman soy, sy no soy extinct.  Co no is a position viable, naturally, a cause verity is que is si extinct.

Terciem, jo me interest por language Portuguese, e jo attempt a feater ce language petty similar a Portuguese.  Exempli gratia, jo have decidate a feater lexical verb de feater (jo require verb novel por "verb" in English, a cause jo co use qua verb general e is supposate a ster "verb" - jo no sabe approach correct) "tainer" e no "haver" a cause verb Portugues is "tener", no Castilian (e.g.) "haver" o Francese "avoir".  Son probablement alteres examples severals ma jo no pow creder.  Unfortunatement co is affectate par fact que jo no pow parler Portuguese.

Quateriem, e icest is particularment interesant, jo vol feater language que is gender-neutral.  Jo so supposate a explainer: jo vol maintainer gender grammatical ma discarder gender "natural".  Exempli gratia, jo have decidate que pronouns personals terceims son demonstratives similar a Latin a cause pronoun "co" (que is supposate a tainer cedilla incidentment) in Francese Ancient is neuter.  Jo no have decidate alters demonstratives.  Pronoun personal second is modelate de Portuguese.  Co use "dom" o "doms" por form polite.  Portuguese use "a senhora" et cetera, ma sy jo co use, introduce gender, e.g. "madam", "sir" e alters forms.  Portant, jo use "vos" por informal (singular e plural a cause Anglo-Norman use "vos" por singular e plural) ma "dom" (por "domine") e "doms" por formals.

Ultra icest, jo plan a user terms neutrals por genitalia, e adjectives a modifier.  Sans barricade, jo no co tain totalment planate.

Altres features de ce language includen omission de pronouns in certains circumstances, omission de articles e omission de copula.

Parl advec vos in di proximal - Dominic Paschal.  Peraventure.

Friday, 18 April 2014

Practice Por Psych

Couple dis pasate, jo visitay amate que jo usay regarder frequentment.  Sy mama mora recentment, et jo havet expectate focus a ster super icest.  Bon, jo creday, a cause my proper focus is trop much super my proper problems.  Sans barricade, icest no fut case.  Peraventure icest fut a cause my amate vola a diser de alteres coses de mort de sy mama.

Portant, nos parlames de my transition.  Icest fut prime occasion que jo havet state regardate presentant in my role feminine.  Jo trove que co appeara no ster sympathetic a my decision, que me surprisa a certain extent.  Sans barricade, no is surprisant que hostility exist, et de quarter que co represent.  Icest is naturalment no just a cause chacke person is individual, et co is individual.  Co is entitlate a sy viewpoint et is a viewpoint que jo me mesem have tainate in pasate.  Havet dos themes actualment, o peraventure tres o quater:
  1. My transition fut regardate qua similar a paraphilia.
  2. My asexuality fut regardate qua sign de disease.
  3. My behaviour fut credate narcissistic.
  4. Jo fut nonable a escaper de sy view de me.
Naturelment, jo no icest regarday qua very promisant.  Ma plus tard, post que jo havet visitate, jo realisay que in fact ce interaction fut realment util.  Jo have mentionate previousment que nos totes viv in "tunnels realities":  nos exclude people que disagree advec nos et surround nos advec people que have views similars.  No case advec my amate.  Icest is plus bon et exactment manner co is supposate a ster.  In my situation co is particularment util, a cause in future proximal jo va haver consultation advec psychiatrist, et views de professions concernates advec me aidant son probablement suspicious et hostile a my long lines similares.  Por ce reason, is actualment idea very bon sy jo attempt a discusser ce subject advec co.  Is practice por diser advec doctors et cetera.  Sy jo pow co persuader, peraventure is possible persuader psychiatrist et alia que jo tain condition por que jo require diagnosis.

Havant disate icest, fact remain que my amate have requirements a cause de mort de sy mama, et jo have requirements no ster very obsessive advec me.  Is very difficult.

Tuesday, 15 April 2014

Powent advec Disappointment

Have now decidate que cose optime a feater advec icest blog no is ceaser scriber ma scriber in language factitious que no person comprehend.  Language va changer probablement por cause que jo no taine idea firme de nature de coses variouses, e.g. grammar, vocabulary etc., et is difficult a saver exactment manner de lu scribent.  Reason que jo icest feat is que jo so conscious que no person lir verbs que jo scribe in icest blog, et is passive-aggressive por me a feater.  Jo pow haver scribate icest in "Tesor Language" ma ce is very difficult.
De quelker mode, jo taine subject super que jo pow scriber icest jour:  disappointment.  Icest tardy nos haven planate promenade de herbs advec uns infants que son educates domesticment.  Jo no cred que persons van plicker et ce is very difficult a maintainer my enthusiasm sub icests circumstances.  Problem advec co is que sy jo no have credit o enthusiasm que persons son probable a plicker, et consequentment jo no va planer alcun cose special.  Jo va puter very petty effort in.  Et sy jo puter very petty effort in, ce is very probable que sy persons venen, session no va ir ben.  Jo so entirement conscious de co, ma no pow feater alcun cose por cause que peril de expectant session a occurer is que mi ego va damageate et va plus difficult a recoverer de co.

Situation is que jo va ir a locale de event et pow ster feater quelker cose que is idea bone de quelker mode.  Exempli gratia, jo pow collecter uns herbs que jo require et co feate exercise valuable.  A ce moment, sans embargo, jo ste sedent in robe, stole et collant delicat et jo so obligate a changer mies vestments pre jo va ir a location, por cause icests vestments no son suitables por activity.  Ce signify que vestments in que jo va tainer va acter de subvener de my failure a feater event occurer et absence de interest in icest event, et co is difficult tamben.