Monday, 23 September 2013

Just An Update

So where am I, who am I, all that stuff?  I would say I've gone a long way down the road and am almost literally not the same person who started this blog.  I feel very positive about what's happening.  In a way, the gender issue is secondary to the personality change, and it's not clear how that has happened.  Clearly I can trot out the hypothesis of two cell lines, but that could be imaginary or factitious.  The phenomenology of the experience, however, is not.  It does occur to me that if there are in fact two cell lines, and if they are fairly evenly mixed, it would be like dissociative personality, but then we all adopt roles don't we?  So that may be peculiar but it isn't that odd really.

This is going to be a bit rambling.  I have also found that resisting the change for the sake of the one I love leads to psychosomatic symptoms.  Basically, I either get really tense calves, start supinating and it hurts my knees - I see that as pushing down the tension at the prospect of not "getting there" as far as it'll go, or if I manage to stop doing that, I find it affects my breathing and I feel suffocated, i.e. "stifled".  This bothers me because it feels like I'm being selfish on a very deep level over which I feel I have no control, and that's very disturbing, because I really don't want to hurt the people around me but right now, the place I want to go just seems like a physically healthy place compared to where I am now.

I have a friend who is very keen on someone with a neck problem, and it makes him move his neck in a way she finds attractive, although of course that's not the only reason she fancies him. If he got his neck sorted, it wouldn't take away her interest in him.  However, what if almost everything which attracts you to someone turns out to be a disease?  What is that person supposed to do if they find a cure for that disease?

I haven't got much else to say really.  I don't know if anyone reads this blog and I can't share this entry widely because of what it's about.  Presumably there's an answer to this somewhere.  I don't know.  Bye.